God I hate pregnant women. I hate them so fucking much. I don’t know if it’s possible to quantify the amount of my hatred that is reserved for pregnant women, but I’ll try.
If my total capacity for hatred were illustrated by a pie chart, and my hatred for pregnant women were represented by the color red, the non-red portion of the pie chart would be just a miniscule slice.
Ironically, that left-over slice would be equal in size to the actual slice that would survive if you left a pie in front of a pregnant woman for five minutes, because pregnant women will eat all your fucking pie. True story.
And btw, a pregnant woman will tell you she’s “eating for two,” which is bullshit. She is not eating for two. She does not have another grown woman inside her. She’s eating for one and a fetus. That’s like 1 and 1/5th at most. And yet this tiny parasite that she’s carrying gives her an excuse to shovel food down her gullet like a Yeti. Sure, keep telling yourself that you had to eat a whole tub of ice cream because the baby wanted it.
Anyway. Gluttony isn’t my real beef with pregnant women. It’s not even in the top five. What really drives me nuts is the conceit. The assumption that everyone cares what’s happening in your stomach. I don’t want to know that the baby just kicked, or that your pants don’t fit anymore, or the oh-so-wacky combination of foods you’re craving. And for the love of god, stop comparing your baby to fruits and vegetables. “Today it’s as big an eggplant! Next week it’ll be a watermelon!” You’re putting me off my lunch. I don’t want to visualize fetus when I’m trying to enjoy delicious watermelon.
You are not an earth mother. You are not a fertility goddess. You’re just some chick who can’t be trusted with birth control.
I should be congratulated for NOT reproducing. Do you know how hard it is to not reproduce? I have the sex drive of a bull on viagra, yet I’ve successfully not reproduced for my entire life, and plan to continue not reproducing for the foreseeable future. So hey, kudos to me.
Pregnant women. Hate.