Learning to kiss is not optional. It is a mandatory component of adulthood.
If you’re over 21 and you still kiss like a Saint Bernard, you might as well surrender your sex organs. You won’t be needing them.
Many a budding relationship has gone down in flames based on a tragic makeout mishap. If you’ve ever been subjected to full-frontal tongue assault, if you’ve ever had your tonsils swabbed by a warm sea-slug, you know how disastrous a botched first kiss can be.
We’ve all been victims of the salivators, the lip-mashers, the throat violators. I’ve personally experienced some of the worst kissing techniques imaginable (a few of them were so ill-advised that I actually found myself impressed by the perpetrator’s sheer gutsiness and creativity).
As a result I’m offering a few pointers, free of charge. ‘Cause I’m charitable like that.
1. Don’t be all slobbering up in your partner’s grill. If you suffer from juicy mouth syndrome, suck on a towel before you try to probe his/her face-hole with that moist sponge.
2. Don’t lick anywhere outside of the oral region. You might think window-washing someone’s eyeballs is hot—it isn’t. Save the advanced techniques for later, when you know each other well enough that your partner feels comfortable laughing in your face.
3. There’s a rhythm to kissing. It’s ok to pause. Trust me, no great kiss has ever been described as “frantic.” You can come up for air. Take your time, Speed Racer.
There’s a lot more to the mechanics of a good kiss, but this blog isn’t an instruction manual and I’m not a kissing guru. Suffice to say that if you have any reason to suspect you aren’t a great kisser, you’re probably a bad one. And you should seek help immediately.
There’s no time to waste.