The Truth about Kissing

 

Learning to kiss is not optional. It is a mandatory component of adulthood.

If you’re over 21 and you still kiss like a Saint Bernard, you might as well surrender your sex organs. You won’t be needing them.

Many a budding relationship has gone down in flames based on a tragic makeout mishap. If you’ve ever been subjected to full-frontal tongue assault, if you’ve ever had your tonsils swabbed by a warm sea-slug, you know how disastrous a botched first kiss can be.

We’ve all been victims of the salivators, the lip-mashers, the throat violators. I’ve personally experienced some of the worst kissing techniques imaginable (a few of them were so ill-advised that I actually found myself impressed by the perpetrator’s sheer gutsiness and creativity).

As a result I’m offering a few pointers, free of charge. ‘Cause I’m charitable like that.

1. Don’t be all slobbering up in your partner’s grill. If you suffer from juicy mouth syndrome, suck on a towel before you try to probe his/her face-hole with that moist sponge.

2. Don’t lick anywhere outside of the oral region. You might think window-washing someone’s eyeballs is hot—it isn’t. Save the advanced techniques for later, when you know each other well enough that your partner feels comfortable laughing in your face.

3. There’s a rhythm to kissing. It’s ok to pause. Trust me, no great kiss has ever been described as “frantic.” You can come up for air. Take your time, Speed Racer.

There’s a lot more to the mechanics of a good kiss, but this blog isn’t an instruction manual and I’m not a kissing guru. Suffice to say that if you have any reason to suspect you aren’t a great kisser, you’re probably a bad one. And you should seek help immediately.

There’s no time to waste.

7 thoughts on “The Truth about Kissing

  1. Hear. Friggin’. Hear! However, there are a few more sins of the lip-lock you missed: The “You really need to brush your teeth/tongue more often” sin, which is as nasty as it sounds. There’s the “I want to see if I can fit your entire lower face region in my mouth” sin, which is just…well imagine it and you’ll likely have some form of healthy reaction…like the gag reflex or the urge to clamber up a tree and hide.

    I’ve always found the lips to be the source and pleasure centers of a kiss; the tongue, if used sparingly, is good, but the lips are where the magic is made.

  2. I think the worst kiss beside bad breath, has to be the tight lips with a hard press against your lips. That can be painful and a turn-off. Kissing is suppose to be soft, slow and passionate. A great kiss can be better than sex at times.

    I wonder if a person is a bad kisser does it make them a bad lover? If they can’t manage to do a simple kiss correctly…will their love making be sloppy too.

  3. Three hours of kissing is gross, I don’t care who you are. At that point you’ve basically performed a full saliva-transfusion. And I suspect there’d be some sort of chafing.

  4. Watching that video made me throw up in my mouth a little.

    Which, come to think of it, would lead to the worst kiss imaginable…

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