The Truth about Babies

Contrary to popular opinion, babies aren’t cute. Not even a tiny bit. If you believe that babies are cute, your judgment has been compromised by the breeding instinct. You should be removed from any position of authority and disqualified from decision-making until such time as your biological clock ceases ticking.

Babies drool. They vomit. They are frequently smeared with feces and other bodily fluids. Yet when they flash their strange little toothless smiles, people melt. I’m constantly perplexed at the fact that otherwise rational human beings go all googly over these gnomish, dried up little monsters.

Here’s a quick rationality test: which are cuter, kittens or babies?

If you said babies, you are wrong. And possibly stupid. Kittens are far superior to babies in every way. This is not a matter of opinion. It is verifiable.

Proof that kittens are cuter than (and otherwise superior to) babies:

1. Kittens have fur. Fur is soft and smooth and can generate a static charge, with which you could conceivably electrocute a baby and make him cry. Advantage kittens.

2. Kittens don’t cry, even when electrocuted. (I’m fairly certain this is true. I haven’t actually electrocuted a kitten, because really, who would do that? They’re so damn cute.)

3. Kittens have survival skills and the endearing ability to execute perfect backflips when tossed in the air. Babies, on the other hand, just flop to the earth in a sad heap, causing everyone at the party to start yelling about how you can’t be trusted with children when you’re drunk. Stupid babies.

Now I’ll admit that babies are a necessary evil, required for perpetuating the species. But otherwise they’re filthy and useless. And in fact, I can envision scenarios in which babies are responsible for our collective downfall.

Imagine that you are an extraterrestrial life-form visiting earth from another planet. Now imagine that upon landing in North America you encounter an attractive human female. At first, you’d be impressed. Humans, you would conclude, are worthy of continued existence. You’d nod approvingly and slip your phaser back into your jumpsuit. Yet only moments later you’d be horrified to witness a tiny parasitic creature latching itself to this beautiful woman’s bosoms, draining her dry, leaving her formerly succulent breasts sagging and lifeless. At which point you’d naturally decide to embark on a mission of intergalactic genocide.

Earth would be toast, thanks to babies. It could happen.

18 thoughts on “The Truth about Babies

  1. This is a horrible observation. Here are some reasons why babies are better than kittens:
    1) Babies are rarely known to shed on furniture.
    2) No one’s allergic to a baby.
    3) Having a kitten in the car doesn’t let you drive in the carpool lane.
    4) With a kitten, you don’t get to watch normal adults making silly faces, jumping up and down and make fools of themselves. Hours of fun!
    5) Two words: Tax deduction
    6) Kittens never grow up to look at you and say “I love you, Mommy”.

    • just because it’s horrible does not necessarily mean it’s false. Here are some responses to your list.
      1) Babies are known to spill, throw-up, and nibble on furniture.
      2) But you can put the cat out if it keeps you up at night.
      3) Having a kitten in the car doesn’t take up as much space as a baby and all the things you need to have to take care of a baby where ever you are.
      4) With a kitten, you get to watch kittens making silly faces, jumping up and down and make fools of themselves. Hours of fun! and less embarrassing.
      5) Three words: babies are expensive.
      6) Kittens never grow up to look at you and say “I hate you, Mommy”.

      this is mainly for entertainment purposes, I have to admit I find both kittens and babies cute…

  2. So babies appearing cute is irrational but is a survival trait. If you don’t have this trait, then most likely you will not pass on your rational disgust of babies. I always wondered why there is such a tendency for irrational thought in humans. Never considered that it may just be a survival skill. Apparently a skill you do not possess and will likely not be passed on.

  3. just one more comment,
    comparing babies to kittens is not a fair comparison since babies are really born prematurely so that we can continue to grow our heads to fit our large brains outside of the mother’s womb. now if you’re comparing premature kittens to babies, that would make more sense. or compare kittens to small kids who say the darnedest things. but for me, cute is definitely not the word that comes to mind when thinking of the number of diapers that have to be changed.

  4. i was wrong, i had to reply to the original list of kitten superiority.
    Proof that kittens are no cuter than (or otherwise superior to) babies:

    1. see point one and two from clevergirl – babies do shed but have much less hair to shed and don’t know of anyone with allergies to babies, just people who act like they are allergic to them.

    2. Just cuz you don’t recognize when a kitten is crying does not mean it does not cry. anyone who really loves kittens can tell when they’re crying even if not electrocuted. too much crying from kittens or babies can be annoying.

    3. Kittens are not basketballs to be tossed just because CPS will not be called on you. Neither are babies… i can’t even take the last story seriously since i don’t believe you would even pick up a baby cuz it’s just not cute to you. then again you have picked up some not so cute things when you were drunk….

  5. My ovaries simply will not let me argue against babies. I’m all about the babies. Newly born, not toddlers. Once a spoon full of food is flung, they can shove off. But I’ll get over the tantrum (mine, of course) and raise the crotchfruit or pass it to it’s parental unit.

    On the other hand, I love so hard on kittens.

    If you really want to test a cute factor of baby cats vs. baby humans, come up with something more visually appealling than this:

  6. I’m glad you liked it.

    So, I’ve been thinking about babies and kittens when I remembered the following article. (Shane, please fix edit/fix my link. Thanks, xx)

    I dug it up for one specific point. Cats are so deceptive that thier cry mimics an infants cry, simply to get ‘human’ attention. If you think you’re being all cold and rational about gross babies, it’s a lie. You are being conned by a feline. They are evolved creatures who prey upon (y)our maternal/paternal instincts. Upon further reading, you’ll see just how amazingly evil and adorable they are. This can either help or hinder Team Baby depending on how you spin it.

    I’m still Switzerland. LOVE BABIES. And Kittens. And boobies.

  7. WarriorKitten.: Felines can con me anytime. Finding out that adorable kittens are using their wits and wiles to earn my affection is like finding out that a beautiful woman only wants me for my body. I can live with that. Cats are sneaky bastards, and I respect them for it.

    Tomo: Kittens love to be tossed around. They are naturally acrobatic. And I’ll admit that I’ve never tossed a baby, but if intent is fifty percent of the crime (is that a saying? It seems like it should be) then color me guilty.

  8. Shane, Kittens are designed to be tossed around but it doesn’t necessarily mean they love it. Opposite is true of babies. Not designed for tossing but they giggle incessantly when you throw them around. It’s problematic for my brain.

    True story, my cats are so overly affectionate that it’s a household issue. Part of me wants to spawn just to watch the cats knock the kid over all day long. This would be totally amusing as well as give my kid the endurance to keep on keepin on. Oh, that poor baby just learning to sit up. Headbutts rule my world.

  9. You know how I feel about this… I love me some babies! I want a gaggle of them. and, I love kittens. How about a compromise… (Because I know you are SUCH a fan of compromise. 🙂 ) How about de-clawing the kittens so that you can just do your own thing and let the cats and kittens babysit. Then you never have to worry about taking the baby anywhere – or the acutramont’ that accompanies babies. 😀

  10. Kittens won’t spend their adolescent years (As Tomo-san pointed out) trying to define themselves in contradistinction to you, arguing with you, telling you you’re stupid, and that they hate you…all the while demanding money, food, and time from you…and if kittens some how reach that lofty level of irritating you can send a kitten back to the pound and get a better one. So there’s another way that kittens rock more than babies: UPGRADES! Holidays do not require you to purchase gifts for kitties, and Kittens will never crash your car and send your insurance rates through the roof.

    Bah, Humbug, and other such utterances to babies. Let there be KITTENS!!!
    So spake Monkey.

  11. I’m back.

    You’re never truly a cat owner until you step on something squishy in the middle of the night.

    Babies never leave you hanging. High fives all the way…totally awesome.

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