The Truth about Female Tattoos

I’m down with ink, but let’s be honest: if a girl wants to get all tatted up without looking like a crack whore, her options are limited. Every available tattoo location on the female body comes with some type of preconception attached.

Hey, I don’t make the rules. If you’re female and you’re determined to sport tats, prepare to be judged. Evidence:


1. Lower Back:

Personally, I’m a fan of the female lower-back/upper-ass tattoo. I think it’s cute. The only downside is that some wisecracking amateur poet realized that “tramp” rhymes with “stamp,” and bam! What could have been a tasteful piece of body art is now considered slut-branding. So it goes.

 

 

2. Arm:

Arm tats practically scream this chick will shank you and steal your drugs. On the plus side, if you earn an arm-tatted girl’s respect (aka “slap her around”) she’ll pawn her motorcycle to bail you out of jail.

 

 

3. Neck:

The back of the neck is the ultimate hippie/lesbian tat location. If there’s a female equivalent to a guy getting his right ear pierced, the base-of-the-neck tattoo is it. Common neck tats include Japanese kanji and dolphins in majestic mid-leap. Also popular: any of the Lucky Charms marshmallows. Green clovers, blue diamonds, purple horseshoes, yellow moons…

 

 

4. Inside of the Lip:

What’s the point of this tattoo, other than occasional shock value? My favorite lip tat: barcode. Whenever I see people with barcode tattoos I always want to sprint past them with a grocery store scanner, just to see what rings up.

 

 

5. Ankle:

The ankle tat is the I’m-not-the-kind-of-girl-who-usually-does-this-type-of-thing tattoo. If you’re considering an ankle tat as your first ink, you probably shouldn’t be associating with tattoo artists to begin with. Do yourself a favor and stick to henna.

Common examples of ankle tats: yin-yang, barbed wire, any species of colorful flying insect (dragonfly, butterfly et al.). Dolphin is once again popular.

 

Incidentally, any girl who gets a dolphin tattoo is essentially admitting creative defeat. Dolphin tattoos are the natural evolution of the unicorn posters these girls used to plaster all over their rooms; icky vestiges of juvenile sappiness.

 

 

6. Labia:

Now that’s slut-branding. A girl with a vaginal tattoo is clearly willing to let some strange dude get all up in her biznatch with ink and needles and whatnot. Just…yick.

17 thoughts on “The Truth about Female Tattoos

  1. Shane, dude…I feel unrepresented: while I’m clearly not a hot chick, and would by no means make it into your “I’d spank it to to that skin!” type, I feel that, as an excessively inked person, the hotness factor of ink has been seriously downplayed. I mean really, what says “HOT!!!” in caps like a full body tattoo of Yakuza proportions?! What says, “Damn, I gotta get this girl home!!!” like a tattoo that says “I shanked my Ex with a water pick!”…I mean really?…Maybe that’s just me…

    -Monkey

  2. My nephew just got a tattoo. It looked great and it had meaning for him. So it made sense. I took him out for a beer to celebrate. My niece went with us and she asked me what I thought about her getting a tattoo. I told her absolutely not. Any other male chauvanist pigs out there that think women are beautiful just the way they are.

    • Some people like tattoos, some don’t, but everyone has a tendency to be judgmental. It’s in our nature. I’m all for people doing whatever they want with their bodies, but they should be aware of the consequences. Not to mention the fact that those things last forever. Do you still like the same television shows and music and movies etc. that you liked ten years ago? Me neither. So why assume that you’ll still want that same piece of art on your body in a decade? Just food for thought.

      That said, I do actually have a tattoo, so take all of my advice with a grain of salt.

  3. Do you think people are getting tattoos without having any idea what they mean. Or why they wanted it. My nephew explained to me that he got a full sleeve tattoo because he thought it would be cool. He is old enough to have a tatoo and had the money to pay for it. So everything was legit except for his reason. I have tats but they all have meaning and I had to earn the priveldge of wearing them. What’s you take on people getting tats for no reason.

    • How did you earn the privilege of wearing a tattoo? I could understand if it was a Special Forces symbol or something, but all it usually takes to “earn” a tattoo is a wad of cash and a few shots of Cuervo Gold…

  4. Here in Oregon people love to cover themselves with tattoos. It’s sort of hobby with us. So I am always interested in seeing what others are doing and learning new things. Thanks for the post.

  5. My uncle just got a tattoo of an old school pin up girl. It was fantastic work. Looked great. Does anyone else see 60+ year old men, who have never had a tattoo, getting them. He isn’t going through a mid life crisis, no divorce or other life changing happenings. He just got one. WTF was he thinking.

  6. How much is too much tattooing. I used to drive a cab and tourists would comment on how nice people are and how many tats they had. I hadn’t thought about it until then but, Portlander’s do seem to get tats just to have them. I guess more ink = more better. Personally I don’t think should get a tattoo of a turtle just because they went to Cancun on vacation. I think the tat should have more meaning. It is, however, good for business. Anyone have a differing idea. I’d be glad to hear it.

  7. Wanted to drop a comment and let you know your Feed isnt working today. I tried including it to my Google reader account and got nothing.

  8. And so it goes, with all generalizations, that gross generalizations are hardly ever accurate. I’m sure you know this and meant your post as, primarily, satirical. Personally, I never steal (or even take) drugs, or shank you (nor would any of my inked friends)…. but you failed to mention face, hands, upper back, feet, and legs (which is much different than ankle).

    I’m totally with you on the dolphin thing. Might as well get the butterfly to “express to the world that I (you) have been through a ‘metamorphosis'”

    • Just because you haven’t shanked anyone YET doesn’t mean shankings aren’t imminent. Those arm tatts are a gateway drug, sister. Before you know it you’ll be hopped up on blow, boosting cars and packing heat. Three strikes later you’ll find yourself burying a prison shiv hilt-deep in the warden’s chest. It’s only a matter of time.

      Or, you know, not. But I prefer my version.

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