The Truth about Men’s Cologne

 Old Spice

Old Spice is an earthy blend of lilac, peppermint, false teeth, incontinence, abandoned dreams, and squandered youth. It smells like grandparent. Unless you’re targeting women who have a geriatric fetish, avoid this cologne.





Women claim to hate the smell of Axe, but what they really hate is its marketing campaign. Every woman thinks she can identify a douchey Axe wearer and would never date one…so when you’re sporting Axe body spray and a girl inevitably compliments your “cologne,” tell her it’s Drakkar.




English Leather

This stuff smells like every Turkish guy you’ve ever known. Seriously, they bathe in this crap. (Not to imply that smelling like a Turkish guy is a bad thing. Turkish guys actually pull lots of ass, according to Turkish guys.)





This is a perfect scent for the refined gentleman who listens to soft jazz, wears briefs instead of boxers, and can’t tolerate spicy foods. If you think a pastel shirt makes you look distinguished on the golf course, by all means, buy a lifetime supply.


The Truth about Sex and Cars

Hate to break it to you, guys, but a car isn’t going to get you laid.

Conventional wisdom suggests that women get all juicy over a shiny sportscar, but think about it: how often does a girl even see your car—let alone ride in it—before she decides whether or not she’s going to surrender the booty?

In this day and age, women aren’t down with the I’ll-pick-you-up-at-8 routine unless they’ve actually spent time with you in person. It doesn’t matter whether you met her at a bar or online or through friends; by the time a girl is actually in your car, she clearly trusts you enough to ride with you in a locked vehicle, and has probably made up her mind as to whether there will be penetration.

At that point, the only way the car matters is if it’s a total beater. If you’re rolling a dented, slovenly bucket, she might reconsider. But otherwise, just make sure it’s clean and doesn’t smell like there’s a dead hooker in the trunk. Oh, and incidentally, don’t have a dead hooker in your trunk.

Nine times out of ten, the type of car you’re driving has little-to-no coital influence. Trust me, there are guys who could get action in a Kia minivan. The equation goes like this:

A smart/good-looking/well-dressed guy will get laid in a rust heap, but a stupid/ugly/poorly-dressed guy couldn’t pull ass in a Lambo.

Instead of buying a flashy car, invest in a gym membership, make sure you have a passable wardrobe, and (I’m being 100% serious) consult a hair stylist. A good haircut is way cheaper than a car, and far more important. First impressions count.