The Truth about Terrorism

Terrorism doesn’t scare me. Crazy people scare me, regardless of religion, race, or creed.

I always keep a vigilant eye on postal workers, clowns, and anyone associated with the military. Truth is, I’m way more scared of my fellow Americans than radical Islamists. And landlocked Americans are the worst. Anyone who voluntarily chooses to live between the coasts is suspect. Trust me, I’ve seen these people. They have bad haircuts and guns and they wear American flag t-shirts. Blind patriotism makes me twitchy.

And yet, ironically, crazy red-staters are the Americans most prone to terrorist-related panic. Every time you tune in to Fox News, another drawling Midwestern preacher is declaring Hillbilly Jihad on taxi drivers and convenience store owners.

Listen, Iowans, the Arabs aren’t going to bomb your corn fields. You can stop glaring at brown people now. Idiots.

It’s a simple equation: the more remote and sparsely populated your hometown, the less Anthrax you’ll attract. I don’t care how crazy these radical Muslims might be, no self-respecting Jihadist is going to waste perfectly good WMDs on Nebraska.

Settle down, hicks. You’re more likely to choke to death on chewing tobacco than find yourself the victim of an Improvised Explosive Device. Spend more time reading and less time stressing. Stay off the meth. And try not to breed.