Someone please explain to me the strategy behind bumper stickers. Does anyone actually believe that these things are delivering a persuasive or compelling message?

No one has ever been enlightened via bumper sticker. No minds have been changed, no debates have been settled. All we learn from a bumper sticker is that the driver doesn’t give a damn about his vehicle’s resale value.

Apparently a bumper sticker enthusiast’s rationale goes something like this: “I have an important point to make. I feel very strongly about this point. I believe that this point would be most effectively conveyed during rush hour traffic to an audience of stressed commuters who are operating heavy machinery.”

What’s the goal, bumper sticker purchaser? Do you actually think that people are so feeble-minded that they’ll follow any instruction they read? I’d like to meet the type of person who makes decisions based on a car’s butt. “I just passed a 1968 Datsun sporting a fish-with-legs bumper sticker that cleverly satirized the iconic Jesus symbol, and it instantly became clear to me that my entire religious upbringing was a horrible lie. So long, ingrained Christian faith!”

And what about political bumper stickers? What are we supposed to extrapolate about a politician from the fact that his name is plastered all over some guy’s Pinto? Announcing to the world that Barack Obama’s voter-demographic includes a dude with crappy car and a handlebar mustache probably isn’t going to help the President’s chances for reelection. Just sayin’.

Look, I know you’re an opinionated person and you feel the need to spread your message via the written word. But there are other, slightly less obnoxious methods for spitting humorous bits of pointless nonsense into the void.

That’s what blogs are for.